


since when are scarecrows scary?

by shitory



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Kaguya Is Kakashi’s Mother, Troll Hatake Kakashi, kagumo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23184385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shitory/pseuds/shitory
Summary: Kakashi-centric oneshots
Relationships: Hatake Sakumo/Ootsutsuki Kaguya
Comments: 40
Kudos: 305





	1. In which Kakashi wins the war by having a staredown

**Author's Note:**

> i have only watched until episode 87 so sorry if absolutely nothing is canon-compliant

Kakashi stares. 

Kaguya,  _ his mother_, stares back. 

“Kaka-sensei?” Naruto, the absolute idiot, shifts like he’s going to jump in front of Kakashi and physically drag him away, “Are you okay?”

Kakashi ignores him, and stares.

Kaguya stares back.

  
Not-so-far-away, shinobi shift restlessly, some starting to whisper and a few even shouting softly ‘kai’, which is understandable, considering Kakashi has put the entire war on hold by having a stare down with a alien moon rabbit princess goddess.

Sasuke starts fidgeting, twitches his fingers, and Kakashi has known him long enough to recognize when he’s going to start throwing around fireballs.

In light of that, Kakashi blinks.

“Maa,” he drawls, though if his tone is more surprised and tired he wouldn’t admit to it, and shoves his hands in his pockets, “Tou-san never mentioned you were an alien, Kaa-san.”

  
The reaction is instantaneous. Naruto starts choking, sounding suspiciously like a dying cat, Sasuke lights up like a Kami-damned Christmas tree and screams triumphantly, “Ha! I WAS RIGHT! I TOLD YOU KAKASHI-SENSEI IS AN  _ALIEN!"_ while Sakura demonstrates just how how unaffected she is by facepalming. 

The surprise is evident from the sudden lack of noise from the rest of the shinobi forces, though.


	2. In which Kakashi spends a lot of time talking to the moon at night

One minute, Madara is declaring his intention to put the whole world under a genjutsu, chanting next to a ritual circle, and the next Otsutsuki Kaguya is standing in the middle of it.  
  


Kakashi startles, skidding to a stop, turning to watch her instead of pursuing his enemy.

  
Madara is still going on about Tsukiyomi and the Juubi and world domination, but Kaguya ignores him entirely, sweeping her gaze over the crowd of shinobi and fixing her attention unerringly on Kakashi when she finds him.  
  


“Is that Madara?” She points at the Uchiha, voice echoing across the battlefield. The harsh, snarling tone does not match her ethereal, almost delicate appearance - gleaming pale purple eyes and flowing white hair.

  
The shinobi quiet, unsettled but curious. Madara puffs up indignantly, evidently angry about being interrupted.

  
Kakashi nods slowly, smiling widely and eyes crinkling.  _This is going to be so much fun._

  
There’s a split second of confusion from everyone when they realise the question is directed at  _him_ , when Kaguya is supposedly an alien from the moon who was last on Earth thousands of years ago.

  
It is then swiftly replaced with terror as Kaguya rears up like the vengeful goddess she is, all dangerous aura and dagger sharp glare, throwing herself at Madara with a snarled “ _ YOU! _ ”

  
“Um, Kaka-sensei?”  
  


Kakashi looks sideways as Naruto jogs closer, Sakura and Sasuke trailing just behind him. He hums in answer, watching as Kaguya swats Madara around like he’s a particularly annoying bug, utterly destroying him with deadly focus.  
  


“What’s going on?” Sasuke frowns, eyeing the murder about to happen.  
  


“Yeah!” Sakura pipes up, squinting suspicously, “How do you know her, Sensei?”  
  


Kakashi smiles charmingly, “Maa,” he drawls, right as Kaguya stabs Madara through his chest, shrieking, “THIS IS FOR MY HURTING MY  _ SON _ YOU WRETCHED, BRAINLESS  _ SEWER RAT!_”

  
The dawning comprehension, and in Sakura’s case, horror, on his team’s faces are so priceless Kakashi can’t help but toss his head back and laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this at like 1 in the morning with -6 hours of sleep and i’m too lazy to make it flow better
> 
> edit: i lied. i’ve edited it and hopefully it flows better now
> 
> also sakura is horrified cause she thought kakashi couldn’t get any weirder


	3. In which Kakashi was reincarnated as an Ōtsutsuki

“ _What_ _ do you think you’re doing? _ ”

  
Kurama freezes. One minute his muscles are bunching, getting ready for a no doubt devastating blow against the village, and the next he locks up so quick Kakashi is surprised he doesn’t turn into a statue.  
  


Granted, a statue of a giant nine-tailed fox about to destroy Konoha, but still.  
  


Kakashi’s lips tilt up under his mask. Every single shinobi in the vicinity’s attention is on him, standing in the middle of them, slouching lazily with his hands tucked into his kimono’s sleeves.  
  


Kakashi can see them gearing up to ambush him, to get rid of the unknown in their village, who could be a bigger threat than usual amidst this chaos.  
  


He pointedly turns his attention back to his nephew, thus returning the shinobi’s attention back to the giant being of hatred and destruction, “Well? I’m waiting for an answer, Kurama.”  
  


Kakashi just barely keeps his laughter in. Kurama looks like he desperately wants to runaway from Kakashi when he speaks, ears pressed tight to his skull.  
  


Honestly, Kurama is such a sissy. Kakashi isn’t  _ nearly _ as scary as Hamura-nii, who he knows for a fact has basically raised the fox.  
  


And then the  _ shinobi _ scramble backward unanimously when  _ Kurama _ opens his mouth and speaks. It’s  _ hilarious _ .  
  


“This isn’t what it looks like!”  
  


“Really?” Kakashi lifts a brow sceptically, “So you _weren’t_ attacking the village?”  
  


Kurama cringes, then tries imploringly, “It isn’t my fault?”  
  


Immediately, all humor drains from him. Kakashi closes his eyes, dragging a hand through his hair. Of course,  _ of course,_ this isn’t Kurama’s fault, because he’s lived through this before, discovered this before. Apparently, even being reincarnated thousands of years before the elemental nations came to be and dedicating his life to  _ fixing things _ still hasn’t changed this moment in time.  
  


“Let me guess,” Kakashi grits out, waving a hand in the air vaguely, “It was the Uchiha in the white mask, wasn’t it?”  
  


In an instant, the shinobi grow tense,  _sakki_ making the hairs on the back of his neck tingle. There are a few outraged cries, and if not for Kakashi seemingly being the only thing preventing Kurama from attacking, he would probably have been murdered ten times over by now.  
  


“Calm down!” He snaps, glaring at them. A few shinobi who were stupid enough to start advancing halt in their tracks.  
  


Kakashi growls, eyeing them to make sure they stay put, then turns his gaze back to his nephew.Kurama looks suitably guilty, tails lowered and half curled around him protectively, nose twitching faintly.When Kakashi narrows his eyes threateningly, Kurama folds like wet toilet paper, “Yes,” he admits, almost softly.  
  


And that causes a wave of renewed clamoring and screaming, shinobi snarling like rabid dogs and scrambling over themselves to throw insults and denials and  _ sakki _ at his nephew. Amidst the chaos, Kakashi puts his face in his hands and sighs, squeezing his eyes shut.  _This is not what he signed up for, dammit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all are lucky my country is in lockdown and i’m posting this with my last mobile data cause my house ain’t got no wifi


End file.
